Finally Enjoying My Baby

Photos | Jessica Rediker

The first three months of Remi's life were fairly challenging. He never wanted to be put down, and when I did put him down, he would fuss and cry until the next time I picked him up again. As if it wasn't hard enough adjusting to life with two kids, I now had this newborn who seemed to never be happy. 

My days felt like I was just entertaining him (or Averie) long enough to get just a few things done. During nap time, Averie would sleep no problem, while I hushed, shushed, and nursed Remi long enough to keep things relatively quiet. I was in survival mode.

My hair was rarely done and my outfits consisted of (usually) whatever I wore the previous night. Meals had to be quick and simple, toast or cereal for breakfast, boxed oven meals for dinner. I felt like I was losing a sense of myself and falling deeper into this world of spit up, diapers, crying and sleepless nights. I had no patience, no memory, and I was short tempered - all due to a lack of sleep. I wouldn't say I was depressed, but I wasn't happy. 

After consulting, pretty much everyone and everything, I still wasn't able to "fix" what was wrong with my fussy baby. That was the worse feeling, seeing my baby upset and not being able to do anything about it. I felt helpless.

I remember telling Jesse that I just wanted to feel "like myself" again. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to enjoy being a mom. I kept waiting for things to get better and reciting, "This too shall pass. Things WILL get better"...but when?

It wasn't until Remi hit the four month mark that I saw a clearing among the clouds. I was starting to notice that he was becoming content to be on his own (without being held) for longer periods of time. During those few moments where he was content, I would become productive. When Averie would nap, instead of being stressed out or disappointed that Remi wouldn't sleep, I would take advantage of the alone time with him. I knew the baby months would be over in a blink, and I didn't want to miss these moments, as fleeting as they were, to bond with my son - no matter how tired I was.

I feel that now, for the first time, I am finally enjoying my baby. I feel like I can actually step out of 'survival' mode and into 'making memories' mode. Things aren't perfect, I'm still getting up 1-3 times at night, but they're better. 

To those of you who have unexplainably fussy babies and are finding it difficult to enjoy motherhood:  I wish that I had answers for you. I wish I could share the secret to making everything better. But I'm not even sure there is one. Parenting is tough, but I can tell you that it does get better. One day, you'll look back and wonder how you made it to where you are. Until then, keep doing the best you can and know that you're not alone.